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I Win E-League Tournament Without Attending

2002.12.17

Last Saturday, to my surprise, I won an E-League Master tournament. It was an Extended event, and I am not particularly fond of the format. This is primarily because MTGO, my environment of choice, lacks Sixth Edition and the expansions Tempest through Prophecy. Because of this, and because the majority of E-League's patrons have the combined intelligence of my sock (the left one), I opted to skip the tournament. Luckily this did not keep me from winning the whole shebang.

While it held no bearing on my effortless victory, I had not assembled a deck similar in build to Red Deck Wins 2k2 prior to the tournament. I am partial to red, as it is fun to play on Magic Online and I guess I would have figured it would be fun to play in Extended as well. I cannot explain why I decided to run Barbarian Rings instead of Rishadan Ports, since I did not actually make this design choice. Rings are in my MTGO Standard deck, though, so I don't mind it all that much. You can find the complete deck list attributed to my name here: http://www.e-league.com/decks.php?view=11 [ed. note: It appears someone tipped e-league off to the error.]

I slept late on Saturday (as usual) and did not join #e-tourney in time for the tournament. I then did not double check my deck in Apprentice to ensure it was just as I had not developed it, and I did not play a few solitaire games to get in the proper mindset. I did, however, get in plenty of rest, a key to doing well in any event.

Once the tournament coordinator/head judge of the event (whose name escapes me) announced that entry was open, I failed to wake up and change my nick from Sleepatog to _0Y-tog. Once the event started and pairings were up, I didn't message my opponent to begin.

ROUND 1 - Squee626 w/ White Weenie

While my doppelganger delivered savage beats to "Squee626", I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of Zvi. While some may think this a nightmare, they simply don't see the gold and pure heart that lies within Zvi's cuddly exterior. For those people, I'll stop retelling my dream at this point, since it got pretty graphic later on.

1-0 matches, 2-0 games

ROUND 2 - Laquatus w/ Tinker

I'm not sure how my pseudo-self got paired with a channel bot, but if I were him, I'd take any advantage I could get. For those of you unfamiliar with IRC terminology, a bot is an IRC program that performs important yet menial tasks, in this case banning those who would cause trouble and putting maligned figures into power. A real-world example of a bot might be the President. I won this match in my sleep.

2-0 matches, 4-0 games

ROUND 3 - pikachew w/ Angry Hermit Returns to Live Another Day

I think I just woke up around this time in the tournament, so it was time to head to the shower (an advantage I hold over many an opponent) while the fourth round ensued. I'm not too keen on Extended, so let's just say I won the first game, got mana screwed the second game, and top-decked to win the third game. I hope WotC fixes the Apprentice shuffler in the near future or they won't be getting any more of my money.

3-0 matches, 4-3 games

ROUND 4 - kaib w/ [deck withheld]

I have seen "kaib" on IRC before and he seems like he knows what he's doing when it comes to Magic. Sure enough, he won both games of this match, even though he, too, failed to attend the tournament. Since he wasn't actually in E-League, he didn't ask that I not spread word of what he didn't play. Sorry, folks.

3-1 matches, 6-3 games

ROUND 5 - xXdeathde w/ UG Madness

I was getting pretty hungry by this time, so I decided to go out and grab a bite to eat. I had a foot-long chicken teryaki sub on honey oat bread from Subway, my dining establishment of choice. It had lettuce, onions, green peppers, and sweet onion sauce and was quite delicious. Oh, and I won the fifth round as part of the meal deal.

4-1 matches, 8-3 games

ROUND 6 - GREENMAGE w/ Aluren

This was the last round of swiss, and if I had actually been playing, I probably would have been pretty bored by now, not to mention tired and hungry. I imagine you're getting bored around this point as well, so I'll just skip forward to...

FINALS - Marbous w/ MY DECK

This guy totally stole the deck I didn't make. Look at it! It's almost exactly the same! I must go on record to say that netdeckers are totally lame. At least I might have had the creativity to create my own red deck. Anyway, E-League.com says I beat him, and it serves him right.

So, there I was, sitting around, probably playing Goblin Sligh on Magic Online, and I had won my first E-League Master tournament. I was feeling pretty good because I was destroying all the scrubs in the "Serious decks" room. If I had known I won an E-League tournament, I probably would have felt even better.

If there's one lesson I've learned from this experience, it's to make yourself known to the E-League administrators so they accidentally put your name on their web site instead of the rightful winner's.

PROPS:

E-League staff, for enabling me to win one of their tournaments without having to play in it.

Yawgmoth, for having a generic name close enough to mine to fool the E-League staff.

kaib, for being such a miser.

Your mom, for last night. Oh snap!

SLOPS:

MagicPlayers.com, for trying to bring down the only league to award me an effortless victory.

MiseTings Forum Regulars, for being colossal idiots.

Your mom, last night. The beats keep flying!