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MTGO 2.0 Promises Amazing Features, None Currently Available

2003.08.07

Magic: The Gathering Online's latest major update has been touted as Magic Online 2.0 to commemorate the beginning of its second year and several new amazing features. However, upon release, the servers crashed...repeatedly. In order to form a more functional program, all new features were taken down to be repaired behind closed doors, leaving players disappointed with the upgrade, to the say the least. To help boost the hopes of the faithful few, several exciting enhancements have been revealed that will be implemented as soon as they are done and don't melt expensive hardware.

New Platinum 1800+ Room

One of the earlier previewed features of MTGO 2.0, the 1800+ Room, has managed to stay open to the general public...with 1800+ ratings. So far, as many as three players have used this room at one time. As an enticement for future players to work on their ratings, more premium improvements are planned for the elite few who qualify for this room. Platinum chairs, platinum tables, platinum floors, and platinum dice will all be implemented in the newly coined Platinum Room to enhance the bling bling of the wingding.

Enhanced trading system

Another touted feature of Magic Online 2.0, the Casual Trading room, has been closed for the time being due to technical difficulties (it blew up the servers). When these issues are resolved, the full feature set of the casual trading room will be revealed, including enhancements for both newbie collector and trading shark. New players will be able to obtain cards like Spellbook, Silver Seraph, Throne of Bone, and Circle of Protection: Red more easily than before. Skilled traders will receive in exchange for these cards Eternal Dragons, Decrees of Justice, Birds of Paradise, and Wraths of God. With the ability to rip off little kids at will, and the ability of little kids not to know any better, everyone will be sure to enjoy this boon to online trading.

Future premium avatars

To sharpen the focus on premium avatars in Magic Online 2.0, all but five standard avatars have been removed. In light of this, Wizards of the Coast has been busy creating dozens of new avatars based on players' favorite Magic pros. As expected, some of the avatars will be based on the cards created by past Magic Invitational winners, such as Avalanche Riders, Rootwater Thief, Meddling Mage, Shadowmage Infiltrator, and Constipated German. Additional avatars will include Sideboard writer Josh Bennett, featuring an inhumanly large red afro, and PTR, complete with fuzzy white coat and, with a sufficiently high rating, a pimp hat. These highly desirable avatars will be available pending the resolution of certain legal issues.

An oft-requested function that will soon be available to players is more direct access to the creators of the game. Instead of having to deal with a "Customer Service" chat room manned by a small group of volunteers equipped with prerecorded answers and references to phantom e-mail addresses from the abyss, players will be able to speak with the programmers themselves. If a bug pops up in the planned upgrade, a private message to one of the game's hard-working coders will ensured the error's prompt correction. If the error is not fixed in an acceptable time span, customers will the option of utilizing the new Electric Shock feature. This revolutionary technology allows a user to deliver a hundred volt shock to the developer of his or her choice. Unfortunately, this function has been put to rest indefinitely after the unfortunate deaths of the entire Leaping Lizards coding team.

Not all of Magic Online 2.0's enhancements will in the virtual realm. Once key partnerships are established, Wizards of the Coast will offer an event ticket redemption program, in which 50 redemption tickets can be redeemed at the Online Store for a coupon ValuePack worth well over three hundred dollars in savings! Planned partners include McDonalds, Burger King, Baskin Robbins, Dairy Queen, and Fatty McFat Fat's House of Lard. With such colossal savings over regular prices, pros who have "gone infinite" (don't pay jack to WotC) will be able to put their tickets where their mouths are—in their faces.

A smaller but still significant feature to be added for a greater overall user experience is new automated taunts. Current easy-to-access statements like "Have fun and good luck" and "Nice play" may already be used sarcastically or in jest, but are limited in their effectiveness. For this reason, linguistic researchers hired by Wizards of the Coast are investigating the jargon of the common player, searching for new quips and jabs to be used in the program. Researcher favorites as of this article include "How fucking lucky," "I haven't been this screwed since last night with your mom," and "u fukin luksac nub."

Despite current difficulties with the Magic Online upgrade, Wizards of the Coast representatives want everyone to know that, "ur all fukin lucky 2 have modo at all u fkin lucksac nubs."