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R&D SECRETS VOL. 1, by Baron Longscythe

2005.10.14


R&D SECRETS VOL. 1

Baron LongscytheBaron Longscythe
Greatest Developments
Friday, October 14, 2005


Have you ever wondered, 'How do they do it?'

No, I'm not talking about the people who make holes in donuts, nor the people who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop. I'm talking about Magic: The Gathering Research & Development.

Read On And Discover Just How R&D Makes The Cards You Love, The Cards You Hate, And The Cards You Love To Hate!

(Also One With Nothing.)

Today, Saturday, and Sunday only, you are eligible to receive SEVENTY-TWO hours of R&D's most secretive secrets!

If you're ready to learn what most of R&D doesn't want to tell you, keep reading. This article may be the most important article you will ever read!

Dear consumer,

I am Baron Longscythe. At Wizards of the Coast, I have developed fifty-seven sets and have been on the design team on thirteen of them. While there are others with similar qualifications, I have one thing to offer you they do not: everything.

Many designers and developers write articles week after week. However, what they don't do is write the articles you really need to hear. They tell you what they want you to hear.

For the next three days, I am giving you the offer of a lifetime. For less than the cost of fifteen hundred donuts - that's three meals, folks - I am willing to reveal to you...

R&D SECRETS VOL. 1*
(*One!)

To show you just how valuable these secrets are, am willing to share with you just one of them. JUST ONE. I simply cannot give any more away for free or your very brain might burst. (No relation to a web site that used to have a similar name.)

This teensy-weensy, tiny-winey (but attending AA meetings) R&D SECRETS will show you just how serious I am. Nothing this big has ever been revealed by any other member of R&D, WotC, Hasbro, or Hasbro's professional cleaning service. If you are sitting in a chair equipped with a seatbelt, buckle your seatbelt. Otherwise, metaphorically buckle your metaphorical seatbelt.

BUT FIRST...

Here are actual testimonials from actual people I've discussed my program with!

Hark Blowswater "You're not really going to tell them that, are you? Please, at least leave out the part where I molested a pigeon. You'll give me at least that much, won't you?" - Hark Blowswater, Head Magic Killer

Pat Robotta "Beep." - Pat Robotta, Robot


Transportation Advisor "YOU CAN'T CUT BACK ON FUNDING! YOU WILL REGRET THIS!" - Transportation Advisor, SimCity 2000

I did not pay any of these people one cent (or more) for their testimonials!

I did, however, treat them to a nice dinner. You see, there's an understanding between writers that when one person provides a quotation supporting the other, the beneficiary generally treats the other to a nice dinner or otherwise compensates the other person later on. This is a common practice among writers, I assure you.

Where's My R&D SECRETS VOL. 1 SECRET Already?

All right, I'll give you just ONE secret that will blow your mind! Once you see this secret, you will have no choice but to order my SEVENTY-TWO hour program just as fast as you can pull out your credit card. Here it comes!

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

OK, I think it's late.

No, no, there it is!

R&D SECRETS VOL. 1 SECRET #1:

Any fair land can be a fair two-mana artifact.

Corollary: Any fair two-mana artifact with a mana ability can be a fair land.

KABOOM!Those of you whose heads haven't exploded yet must not fully understand what I have just said. Read on!

Any Fair Land

This can be any land that's fair. Land is a Magic card type. If you don't know what a land is, go stick your head in a toilet and flush. Then read a rulebook.

But what makes a land fair? Basically, any land printed since Ice Age, aside from Rishadan Port (it's just no fun) and the artifact lands (they're already artifacts!), is fair. If I am missing one, it's just because I am so excited to finally reveal this SECRET!

Can Be

You can read English, can't you? I just mean that if the thing before this phrase could be made today, the thing after can also be made today.

A Fair Two-Mana Artifact

That's a non-broken artifact that has a mana cost of 2. For an example of an unfair two-mana artifact, see Umezawa's Jitte.

Now Put Them Together

If we have a land card that seems to be fair and fun to play, we can print a two-mana artifact with the same text box and it, too, will be fair and fun to play!

Prove It!

I will! Let's take a somewhat popular land from Odyssey:.

Darkwater Catacombs

Look at that text box. Keep it in your head. Now look at this:

Dimir Signet

Has your head exploded from amazement yet? If it has not, I am truly surprised!

Still not convinced?

Sungrass Prairie Selesnya Signet

"Wow!" is generally what I hear at this point. But wait, there's more! Everybody loves painlands, right?

Karplusan Forest Talisman of Impulse

This is an R&D SECRET you won't get anywhere else!

What Else Can We Learn From This?

R&D SECRETS VOL. 1 SECRET #1 also tells us what artifacts may be underpowered, and which ones are obviously broken! For those of you who play the game, you must read this or you will LOSE to everyone else who did!

If there exists a land that does the same thing as a two-mana artifact, but the artifact has an additional drawback (usually it comes into play tapped or costs an additional mana, but in that case it's not a two-mana artifact, is it?), either the land is BROKEN or the artifact STINKS. You can tell which is the case, since one of the two has already seen play in a previous set. Just compare the new card or cards to what you know to be true for the old cards, and...

KA-BLAMO!

You can easily judge any such land or two-mana mana-producing artifact!

Wow! What Else Can You Tell Us?

Everything!

BUT, you will need to buy R&D SECRETS VOL. 1 to read it! This information doesn't come cheap folks, but you get what you pay for!

What are you waiting for?

Order now!

Now!

Order!

Do it!

Last Week's Poll:

Amirite?
urite 5463 56.9%
urnotrite 4137 43.1%
litebrite 7 0.0%
Total 9617 100.1%

This Week's Poll:

Are you going to order R&D SECRETS VOL. 1 right now?

Yes!

Yes.

No.